This week, or rather past month, has probably been the most deranged throughout my 15 years, 11 months, 22 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes on this planet. I have been happier before. This is probably because I think too much and scrutinize every dynamism, be it synthetic or otherwise.
I have beautiful and amazing friends. We may have drifted but boy are we still friends. We may have fought and cried but sure we still lift the corners of our mouths. We may have screamed hatred and seen it naked but regardless, we're still here aren't we? Everyone says that it's the last year, we won't want to leave regrets. But somehow I'm almost certain we'd have at least a few more months after this. Granted, we might never be the same again. We all have dreams that are certainly not parallel. The best we could do is to at least give it a shot isn't it? I really don't believe it is that hard.
Pei Shan,
You turn 16 in two days. You're going on your first date in one day. You had a surprise party today. When you switched the lights on to the gleaming faces of the beloved, you turned to me and buried your head in my shoulder. I had thought you were crazy to have done that; but I guess, I wouldn't know how you felt. I really, genuinely have no clue as to who you see me as. You make me feel like I'm the only one who matters. I haven't really been an angel, especially this year. You are simply stellar, I told you. I read your Formspring and was really moved. Do you really appreciate me the most? I'm sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear. But I tried, I penned it for memories. I learned that in a relationship, the stages depend on how we pave the journey. We could last forever, both you and I know that. We could be miles apart, and we'd last. And now, I'm thinking that I will start to try. Else, I would only be a faded memory of whom you reminiscise only when you come across my letters amongst your junk. This, I have told you countless times; I have never had anyone appreciate me the way you do and I really didn't know how to reciprocate. But, I guess I'm learning. I'm learning to love back. I'm learning to see you as my star. I'm learning to read your emotions. Hey, we can read each others' minds and complete sentences. That is a good start. And we'll make more memories, won't we? We shan't stop till we've been just about everywhere! After everywhere, we could go anywhere in our dreams, wherever life would take us, won't we? We shall, I'd be damned if we shan't. To say I love you, it takes the world. I can say it oh so easily, but it would be weightless wouldn't it? And you know that. But I'm slowly seeing the world, slowly showing that I love you, aren't I? I sure hope you see it. We'd last; you and me, baby, we'd last. I love you.
Syahirah,
I have honestly never told you I loved you, and both you and I know that. You aren't that kind I know, and maybe neither was I. But I'm starting to appreciate, learning to. I think it'd take forever for us to say it, but time's not exactly taking its toll on how we show it, is it? You, I can see as my light. I don't know how you do it, but you somehow physically shed light on my life. And you still do, when it's dark. I don't really know how to thank you enough. I don't really know what I've done for you, but I think it'd never amount to what you've done. You are, supersonic. I know we fought, and we still do, and we always will, but I guess I will never think twice about taking that oh-so-important first step, because I'd know it's worth it. Do you remember how we got here? This one word that, heck it, I'm still ignorant of the meaning. This one word that, I shall strive to discover my whole life. This one word, papat. If it weren't for it, you'd probably still hate me, and I'd probably still be ignorant about how I come off as on others. So thank you, papat. And I love you, papat; I actually do.
Dear Mother,
I know no means of telling you this. Today, I told you I loved you, for the first time since I could ever remember. You always call us sayang, but we take it for granted I think. I'm sorry I haven't been the best daughter this year. I don't know how to be. I'm not complaining that you put me on a tight hold; I know it's because you do love me. But I always regard it as though the tighter the hold, the worse I'd be. You know how to let go, but I don't know how to tell you that I need more. I don't even know if I really do need it. I know I haven't been working my hardest. I will honestly try harder, that I promise you. I really think it's the only thing I can give you. The only thing I can try for the very least. Goodbye.
Dear Sister,
I do know that you're busy, trust me I do. I don't know if I can live with that, but I can damn well try. You have been a fragment of my life ever since I could remember. We might not have been the best girlfriends, but somehow we know we can tell each other anything. We know how to deal with our family together, that's what's best. You are very hardworking, and of course, a freaking genius. I know for sure that you'll make us all proud. These days, or rather months, you have been distant. You don't know how it's like. I remember a few years ago, our brother asked me to play with him. When I relented, he said that you were never there anymore to play, and even if you were, you wouldn't be playing either. You don't know how sad that made me feel. These days, I am still playing with him, for the sake of love. I don't want him to feel so alone in this family and eventually stray away. I am trying my hardest, I swear. I just hope that maybe you could try to. We could make this family alright, you know, you and I both. I love you, I never told you that.
Dear Father,
I love you. I told you that today. You have been nothing but amazing to us all. You are the light in all our lives. We never really told you how much you meant to us. You have been there for us, forever; never giving up on us, always giving another chance. You simply are the best father anyone could ask for. I don't have much to say, but just know that I am so, eternally grateful to have you in my life.
Dear Brother,
Sometimes, you really make my day. Sometimes, you really break them. But I still love you. I feel that you're the only constant in my life. I'm in the middle of a circle while everyone's running around me, stopping once in a while. But somehow, you are there with me. I don't think we changed. We are still fighting over silly things, laughing till we tear up about simple things, and talking about just about anything under the moon. I really am grateful for that. I promise to always be here for you.
