Transcendental: The Living Pillars of My Life

This is supposed to be my life. Yet, I know not how to live it.

This week, or rather past month, has probably been the most deranged throughout my 15 years, 11 months, 22 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes on this planet. I have been happier before. This is probably because I think too much and scrutinize every dynamism, be it synthetic or otherwise.

I have beautiful and amazing friends. We may have drifted but boy are we still friends. We may have fought and cried but sure we still lift the corners of our mouths. We may have screamed hatred and seen it naked but regardless, we're still here aren't we? Everyone says that it's the last year, we won't want to leave regrets. But somehow I'm almost certain we'd have at least a few more months after this. Granted, we might never be the same again. We all have dreams that are certainly not parallel. The best we could do is to at least give it a shot isn't it? I really don't believe it is that hard.

Pei Shan,

You turn 16 in two days. You're going on your first date in one day. You had a surprise party today. When you switched the lights on to the gleaming faces of the beloved, you turned to me and buried your head in my shoulder. I had thought you were crazy to have done that; but I guess, I wouldn't know how you felt. I really, genuinely have no clue as to who you see me as. You make me feel like I'm the only one who matters. I haven't really been an angel, especially this year. You are simply stellar, I told you. I read your Formspring and was really moved. Do you really appreciate me the most? I'm sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear. But I tried, I penned it for memories. I learned that in a relationship, the stages depend on how we pave the journey. We could last forever, both you and I know that. We could be miles apart, and we'd last. And now, I'm thinking that I will start to try. Else, I would only be a faded memory of whom you reminiscise only when you come across my letters amongst your junk. This, I have told you countless times; I have never had anyone appreciate me the way you do and I really didn't know how to reciprocate. But, I guess I'm learning. I'm learning to love back. I'm learning to see you as my star. I'm learning to read your emotions. Hey, we can read each others' minds and complete sentences. That is a good start. And we'll make more memories, won't we? We shan't stop till we've been just about everywhere! After everywhere, we could go anywhere in our dreams, wherever life would take us, won't we? We shall, I'd be damned if we shan't. To say I love you, it takes the world. I can say it oh so easily, but it would be weightless wouldn't it? And you know that. But I'm slowly seeing the world, slowly showing that I love you, aren't I? I sure hope you see it. We'd last; you and me, baby, we'd last. I love you.

Syahirah,

I have honestly never told you I loved you, and both you and I know that. You aren't that kind I know, and maybe neither was I. But I'm starting to appreciate, learning to. I think it'd take forever for us to say it, but time's not exactly taking its toll on how we show it, is it? You, I can see as my light. I don't know how you do it, but you somehow physically shed light on my life. And you still do, when it's dark. I don't really know how to thank you enough. I don't really know what I've done for you, but I think it'd never amount to what you've done. You are, supersonic. I know we fought, and we still do, and we always will, but I guess I will never think twice about taking that oh-so-important first step, because I'd know it's worth it. Do you remember how we got here? This one word that, heck it, I'm still ignorant of the meaning. This one word that, I shall strive to discover my whole life. This one word, papat. If it weren't for it, you'd probably still hate me, and I'd probably still be ignorant about how I come off as on others. So thank you, papat. And I love you, papat; I actually do.

Dear Mother,

I know no means of telling you this. Today, I told you I loved you, for the first time since I could ever remember. You always call us sayang, but we take it for granted I think. I'm sorry I haven't been the best daughter this year. I don't know how to be. I'm not complaining that you put me on a tight hold; I know it's because you do love me. But I always regard it as though the tighter the hold, the worse I'd be. You know how to let go, but I don't know how to tell you that I need more. I don't even know if I really do need it. I know I haven't been working my hardest. I will honestly try harder, that I promise you. I really think it's the only thing I can give you. The only thing I can try for the very least. Goodbye.

Dear Sister,

I do know that you're busy, trust me I do. I don't know if I can live with that, but I can damn well try. You have been a fragment of my life ever since I could remember. We might not have been the best girlfriends, but somehow we know we can tell each other anything. We know how to deal with our family together, that's what's best. You are very hardworking, and of course, a freaking genius. I know for sure that you'll make us all proud. These days, or rather months, you have been distant. You don't know how it's like. I remember a few years ago, our brother asked me to play with him. When I relented, he said that you were never there anymore to play, and even if you were, you wouldn't be playing either. You don't know how sad that made me feel. These days, I am still playing with him, for the sake of love. I don't want him to feel so alone in this family and eventually stray away. I am trying my hardest, I swear. I just hope that maybe you could try to. We could make this family alright, you know, you and I both. I love you, I never told you that.

Dear Father,

I love you. I told you that today. You have been nothing but amazing to us all. You are the light in all our lives. We never really told you how much you meant to us. You have been there for us, forever; never giving up on us, always giving another chance. You simply are the best father anyone could ask for. I don't have much to say, but just know that I am so, eternally grateful to have you in my life.

Dear Brother,

Sometimes, you really make my day. Sometimes, you really break them. But I still love you. I feel that you're the only constant in my life. I'm in the middle of a circle while everyone's running around me, stopping once in a while. But somehow, you are there with me. I don't think we changed. We are still fighting over silly things, laughing till we tear up about simple things, and talking about just about anything under the moon. I really am grateful for that. I promise to always be here for you.

So there it is. There they are, the essential nutrients I need to fund the growth, or even rebirth, of my whole lief journey. They make me laugh, they make me cry, hey make me strong. No matter what, they still are, and forever will be, the living pillars of my life ♥

Sparks Fly!

This title, Taylor's song doesn't come to mind. Honestly, I don't even know her song. What come is "sparks fly, it's like electricity, I might die, as I forget how to breathe". Yes, she sings. Basshunter. He is so cool. Plus the pity for the disease. Unlike some American Idol contestants who audition and somehow they always have a sob story and they cry and they sing mediocrely but they get through. Whatever.

I'm in school. I am failing. I cannot grasp the fact that I have no time. In life, I fear time the most. But in life, time is the one thing I take so much for granted. I mean, come on, I have what 7, 8 months? But truthfully, let's get cracking. I have this dream. Pei Shan, Adela and I go to the same school. And we'll be so happy. And some other people are with us. And happy endings that she wants. Then Adela will be shipped off overseas. Pei Shan would, I think, be trying to get into entertainment. And me? I shall do something. I shall work on World Affairs. Get a scholarship to study overseas. Come back, get married. Cross-state with him all over Europe. Settle down, stable job, have kids. Work from home? Researching. Hm. Big dreams for a small girl. I shall read this in 10 years and see where I've been.

You. Why does everything you say have to be so emotional and mushy? Honestly, I can't even tell if you're with her. I think, you're not. You like her, she might not know it but she knows you. But your friends know it too. So when she does something, you talk about it, she doesn't know, your friends know. But seriously, you're a guy. Man up! You're not supposed to talk about feelings. You should be sprouting nonsense that all guys will "like". Sheesh grow up.

I do feel sorry. Okay goodbye. I probably won't be back here for a long long time.

Winter Wonderland

It has been long.

The changes I've experienced, the transition in my company. I work. I have the same friends. I exhibit the same laziness. But I have a different take to life as a whole. Simply because of the past few weeks.

The first day I worked, honestly, I was pissed at the people who came to eat supper till 1 in the morning. I mean, seriously? You're hungry so you come to the beach in the early dawn of the morning to eat? Isn't that what midnight snacks are for? But the few days that I worked, opened up a whole new demographic to me of the night life. One I never knew existed here. The families who come, they're really tight. The friends, really fun. And the drunken tourists...

Every night, there would be something new to me. Like those who drink but are ashamed of it. Granted, serving would welcome the occassional rude and grumpy diners. But the beauty of it, the other diners who really appreciate the food and your service. And of course, the guys.

I simply cannot believe I found him. Honestly, I can't say that it's fate. I saw him once, and he works at the same beach? So, coincedence. Forget him, there's the other one. I think he likes my sister. The first shift we had together, I can tell he was shocked to see a girl working. But I guess now he can be the older brother I never had. He's nice. Oh yeah, the older guy. He comes and chats. I can't believe he said to my dad, "If she was older, I would have swept her off." He's nice.

So it's December. I haven't been consistent in my work. My body clock is totally screwed and I'm still in the same time zone. It's just that when I'm at home at 1 in the morning, I can't sleep becaue my body is thinking that at that time, I should be serving people food. And I wake up at noon. Plus, my appetite's all weird too. I blame it on the unfavourable dishes. Or the messed up meal times. Oh, I am ruined!

Okay, so this has been my life, summed up from the middle of holidays. Let me get cracking on the nutrition in plants.

Auf Wiedersehen

Es tut mir leid.

Danke, for keeping your promise, but I knew from the start it would never be.
So, I hope you enjoyed them and lch liebe dich all the more because you have been a gift to me.
Alles Gute zum Geburtstag.

Auf wiedersehen, lch liebe dich.

Thank You

I started thinking. This bear, he lies on the very bed I lay every night for the past 3 years. So, this is for you.

Thank you,

for knowing that I love to read and buying me a book for my birthday... which I threw away.

for thinking of me while you were having fun in Perth on the prefects' trip and getting me a clock... which I threw away.

for knowing I'm a girl and would want jewellery and giving me a necklace... which I returned.

for trying to be romantic and writing a valentine for me... which I tore.

for understanding where I am and trying to be who I want you to be... whom I didn't appreciate.

for thinking of me when you picked out jersey numbers and fighting for the number 5... which is still my favourite.

for being the best boyfriend and getting me a bear with flowers which said "Best Girlfriend"... which is still on my bed.

I'm sorry, I didn't know what love was. You always said you loved me because I was pretty, intelligent and really nice. I was. I liked you because you were charming; you're the lucky guy who had looks, built and charm. But I was luckier. I got you. You chose me. I was happy. Then I knew things would change. So I changed it first, and lost you. I'm sorry. People said you were really sad, but I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry,

for missing your birthday party and made you sad.

for never getting you anything for your birthday.

for acting like I knew everything when I was just afraid.

for giving up on us, just when you started to grow on me.

for leaving without a goodbye.

for pushing you out of my life in every way possible.

I am sorry.

I don't know if I regret, but you probably don't like me now, wherever you are. You still are good-looking. You look older. I wonder what would have happened if we stayed. But I'm better off safe, right?

Mr Brightside

Sometimes, I wonder.

We trekked past a bunch of lalangs at OBS. I took one and tried; I had forgotten. Does it mean I've forgotten him? The one thing I remember vividly is his face, not even his voice. And I try every day, I should just stop. I'm barely 15.

I don't really know why but I get 8 hours of sleep every night and I doze off during Biology or English. Is there something wrong with me? I try to sleep during the day too but all I got was Syahirah telling me to stop sleeping. I'm closer to Haifaa now, somehow. It's a good thing. The team has started complaining. When will there be a time there's complete unity?

Irfan asked me out last Saturday; to an airshow. I still feel bad that he went alone. Sometimes, some things just aren't worth passing on. Instead, I went to lunch with Syahirah downtown, and to town with my mom's French friends. It was pretty cool.

Monday, we played volleyball. It was pretty fun. Amanda turned 15. I would've celebrated if it wasn't with our class. I think she's changed, Adela. She used to care, now she doesn't. And she only does when she feels guilty. Now I get the gist of what they were lecturing us about; just because they're in the team, it does not qualify their position among us, so who do they think they are to act superior with us?

I've learned 2 things. Firstly, the one thing greater than your parents' disappointment in your failure, is yours. Secondly, secrets can never be kept safely within a family. They're your family, just tell them instead of running away with a pack of lies. Maybe it's more complicated than that. Maybe I'll learn to learn.

I don't feel like colour-coding my paragraphs. Do I feel black and white today?

Ultraviolet.

"Don't let someone be a priority in your life when you are still an option in their life."

Quoted from a quote TC found. I've finished what's important of my assignments with a week left of the holidays. I'm going to see the team later, after a month. And I've been selected to be an orientation leader for class of 2012 :) Only 2 of us were picked, Pei Shan and I. I think it's gonna be a little crowded in school tomorrow, with people not expecting others there. I'm thinking of bringing them donuts but I'm broke. Oh and Rooney scored :) Best for his sister-in-law?

I feel like I should live in Jakarta, or Uban. I love the people there, and to live among them would be simply amazing because they're the most "peramah" and friendly people. Speaking of, Debby hasn't replied me. Honestly, she didn't come off as rich, but her wealth, whoa! See, they're modest. Sinetrons are teaching the wrong stuff. And the guys can maintain eye-contact for long and I'll end up breaking it.

I watch Gossip Girl Season 3 in 3 days. And I cried and laughed and screamed to myself in the cold, dark room with the small screen. What with Olivia and Tripp's existence, Blair's misconception, and Nate's shifted attraction, it's definitely a must-watch. And it's a bitter sweet closure for the season with Serena finally learning from her mistakes and realising the one who truly cared for her, Blair and Chuck getting their priorities right and learning that trust is indeed crucial and must not be trifled with, Dan's luck with the ladies ending him up alone, and Jenny and Eric's never-ending warfare closes with a truce, honesty between Lily and Rufus still foggy.

What a bang to end 2009 and lay out the carpet to bring in 2010. What will this new year bring?